Notes 6/23-12/25. Red Moleskine Notebook. 2014
Research and rumination gathered over the course of 6 months.
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Notes 6/23-25
It would never occur to a woman to become a cult leader. Coffee in the morning, herbs in the evening “Mysteries are things that cannot be explained in words, but must be experienced in order to be understood.” RELATING TO DEITIES: If you petition a deity directly for something, be sure that you: -Ask for something you can’t do yourself -Ask for something that is within their power to give -Are prepared for the possibility that they will ask for something in return CODEPENDENCY: -buying into narcissists constructed reality and making it a reality “To be a subject is an act of aggression.” BECHDEL, Are You My Mother? “In bright sunlight in mid-afternoon there is no such thing as theatre.” “because of you I notice/ the taste of water” Rich Who is the subject, when I find myself no longer subject to the whims of the narcissist? fuck me once shame on you fuck me twice shame on me Notes 07/02 What is it about alienation that feels like validation? That says, “you are special because you are different”? Beat poets spontaneous drug fueled all-night talk taught me what love is. Saying everything, revealing each truth, each internal conflict, hubris and foolishness, killing time by turning your mind inside out. Thus far, anything that has happened or could happen has felt worth it if I could get a decent poem out of it. MISQUOTE MIRA GONZALEZ: “I enjoy being bitten during sex because of the [casual] connection between the act of biting and the feeling of being bitten” Notes 7/03 “A big change happens mid-month when Jupiter ends its year-long influence on your services sector and begins its year-long transit of your partnership sector.” Why does sadness feel the same as loneliness? “Now the gestures we chose are revealed as cheating. Instead of being, one appears to be. And the cheater breaks her own heart.” “Now that I had no hope of finding my soul by staying where I was, I wanted to take a different route to the one thing that would justify the ugliness inside me; I would become Important.” “What I had done in the night--it felt like the first choice I had ever made not in the hopes of being admired.” “The sea moved forward and back with all these possibilities, and all of them were true. Yet it didn’t grow tired of itself the way I did. Why not? Who cares? there would be no answers for me ever. I wanted to lose everything I ever had, or win back everything I had ever lost.” HETI Self-pity is the Dr. Thunder of self-love. Notes 07/04-06 “‘What is that shooting pain I feel in my chest?’ It’s the crust of your heart breaking open.” HEARD AT YOGA Forgiveness is a vow that must be maintained. “Talking with an inspired air sign can be like skipping through a kind of virtual reality full of detail, specificity, and local color.” Tarot: Disconnection from healing has left me disenchanted, exhausted, and unsure of next steps. My negative self-concept (not able to completely focus inside himself. Withdrawn but not at peace) does not live up to my hopes of incubating my creative self with patience. A change of fortune and meeting of creatively “ready” people may lead me to gain clarity and contentedness. CAUTION; the reversed high priestess warns against blocking the inner self in order to worship community. “One of the traditional stories about the origins of the tarot is that wisdom keepers in these cultures were the storytellers, artists, and healers. They chose between writing a spiritual or philosophical text or putting their knowledge into a game. They decided that a game in the form of cards would last longer, be more accessible to everyone, and easier to hide.” The most alone sound is the first crunch of cereal in the morning, or even loner, late at night. Notes 07/08-09 Lately felt guilty about getting drunk, even if it’s just a little. Joe used a line of mine in his stand up: “When’s the part where you eat my pussy?”. Spirituality must be put into effect. Can’t exist in theory only. “Make a temple of your body, and then invite the divine in.” Coffee’s kind of watery today. I like my coffee like I like my men: weak and disappointing. Notes 7/11-12 M’s going away dinner: A left early, M got drunk, C cornered me in the bathroom but wouldn’t act on her impulses, M was drunk and in love and angry. “You were always my favorite,” he told me (though he was so wasted he might have said that to whomever was in front of him). I got only a little drunk and ranted philosophical on art and feminism. Nights like this when I’m very introverted I wonder if every interaction I’ve ever had was a performance. “What I had done in the night--it felt like the first choice I had ever made not in the hope of being admired.” The inside of my vagina itches in a way that can only be scratched by someone else’s fingers. “In the end, viewers are led away from narratives into a constantly renewing now, as if unwillingly confirming Freud’s famous conclusion: ‘Presentness is grace.’” -REGARDING DOUGLAS GORDON The curiosity is that I still expect to fall, at least a little, in love with each man I sleep with. The problem is that I do. “Hysterical patients suffer principally from reminiscences.” FREUD “I like to construct self-destructive systems, or mechanisms, which can only lead toward a multiplicity of meanings, a series of contradictory interpretations. I like a conspiracy of circumstances that can help construct a meaning for a work, or that can turn against it at any moment.” GORDON There’s a theory of cosmic orgasm. Notes 7/20 What seemed like the act of digestion was really a compulsive rearranging of food on the plate. “It is the half-world where Rhys existed, where many women still do: a life of competing desires, where the greatest fear is always ‘loneliness.’” REGARDING JEAN RHYS Fucking your crush is like meeting your idol. They disappoint you but somehow you feel like the fool. If men would let us be the sexual beings we are instead of the sexual beings they imagine us to be we’d all be having a lot better sex. Notes 7/23-26 How to embrace my conflicting desires how to embrace gestalt as the most whole I will ever be (when I’ve never been good with fractions but was alright with geometry because it starts out tangible). Uranus in retrograde. Supposed to be a time of epiphanies, dismantling false notions, and working past illusion. Kissed a burner girl on the mouth this weekend, when she asked. We laughed. “People are searching for their centers (be they centers of pleasure, pain, whatever) but really they’re searching for god.” KATHY ACKERS “Checklist for Attunement to our Spirit -Do you feel mentally, emotionally, energetically exhausted, overwhelmed, and confused without a diagnostic reason? -Do you feel like you have no sense of purpose even if you have achieved most or many of your life goals? -Do you feel a deep loneliness even when you’re in loving relationships with family, lovers, or friends? -Are you always in fear that you’ll be abandoned by anyone you love? -Do you feel dissatisfied with life even if the outer forms suggest that you have all the good things? -Do you have a sense of dread and doom even though life may be fine all around you? -Do you feel a desperate drive to seek more achievements, experiences, relationships, and material things to have and to own, while never feeling enduring satisfaction from having these? -Do you feel a resentment of change anytime it comes into the orbit of your life? -Do you feel a constant commitment to being absolutely right in your perceptions while knowing in your core that you are frightened that you are not absolutely right? -Do you feel deeply ashamed and judgmental of your human needs or human flaws, even though those persons you love or respect value, love and accept you as you are? A great deal of soul loss and dispiriting occurs when we overidentify with the multitudes of self-images that flow through our head.” Notes 7/26-31 “There is only one relief: to confess, to be caught, tried, punished,” NIN “lunation” is a word I ordered this beer because the description said it tastes like “fluffy biscuits”. Not just biscuits. Fluffy ‘uns. Maybe “biscuits” was too blunt a description for beer. For a few glorious hideous moments I can’t distract myself anymore “satyriasis” male nymphomania “Now I was engaged with a kind of surrealist man,” she writes, “Constructing, demolishing him kaleidoscopically, hoping to demonstrate how he ‘worked.’” To construct a ghost is always also to dissolve him. -REGARDING MINA LOY’S INSEL Working Woman playlist 1. “9 to 5” Dolly Parton 2. “Piss Factory” Patti Smith 3. Loretta Lynn 4. “Work It” Missy Elliot 5. “The Line Cook Song” The Villain Family 6. “She Works Hard for the Money” Donna Summer 7. “Sisters are Doing it for Themselves” Eurythmics + Aretha Franklin 8. “Private Dancer” Tina Turner 9. “This Woman’s Work” Kate Bush 10. “Fifty-Nine Cents” Bobbie McGee Herbal Essences smells like puberty. Tituba black witch of Salem Notes 08/04 “He would not believe that she wanted to return to her room to wash the sand out of her hair, to put oil over her sunburnt skin, to paint a fresh layer of polish on her nails, to relive every step of their encounter as she lay in the bath, in her habit of wanting to taste the intoxications of experience not once but twice.” NIN “No place, no human being could bear to be gazed at with the critical eye of the absolute, as if they were obstacles to the reaching of a place or person of greater value created by the imagination. This was the blight she inflicted upon each room when she asked herself “Am I to live here forever?” NIN One of the last men I spent the morning with was “not surprised” I take my coffee black. I took this as a compliment. Neither of us was sure if it was given as one. J told me that my kisses were like potato chips after smoking weed: constant, slow, satisfying but unable to be let go. D claimed I wasn’t scared of him. Little does he know that fear is the point. Fear, the antithesis of boredom (the only thing I’m scared of which doesn’t thrill me). He said this as he pinned me down and made me hold his gaze. “I’m glad I met you. You’re not afraid of me.” I almost believe him, but the way his skull trembled below his skin kept me immobile underneath him in a way his thin arms were incapable of. There is a dilation in the eyes of madmen who have learned to intellectualize their insanity which leads me straight into their beds, to see what madness they will inflict upon me. They have strong tongues, sturdy on my clit, from carrying on infinite conversations with whomever they can about where along the madness took hold; and where does yours hide? and let me see it; and how does it work? Nervous hands, holding gestures like magicians flowers, can pull a rabbit from my cunt. Notes 08/09-08/11 Remy’s Mom’s neighbor’s chickens drowned in the thunderstorm yesterday “Cold Cuts works at the morgue. His constant familiarity with suicides and terrifying description of them keeps us from committing it.” OHSO “the esperanto of alcoholics” My pictures are leaping from my walls, facedown to the floor. It’s only fair that they might get sick of looking at me. I got stoned on my own and watched Nymph()maniac. It did not make me feel sexy. My favorite thing about the movie Nymph()maniac is how the title uses parenthesis instead of an O, which makes it look vaginal. Woman are parenthetical. That much is astute about the film. Expectations on a down staircase: I look up to myself I cannot live up to myself I was told there’d be a butterfly Or at least something more beautiful than this. Notes 08/12-13 “I hum to some sort of progress even if it’s just from dry to wet” OHSO Today I changed diapers for 6 hours then biked downwind of a flatbed truck hauling away used Port-a-Pottys. Rounded that out by rummaging through old journals full of garbage. I’ll try to forget what I read. I’ll try to forget what I sounded like about what I felt like. I wonder if it did me any good to sound that way, the way I sounded before I understood that I am separate from other people not in a cynical way. in a nice way where we’re all striving toward a different easter egg. I feel like if you filled up an airport with water it would function nicely as an aquarium and people would still be able to get drunk Questions: audio of my kids asking questions questions short story exercise--answering each other’s questions with questions meditation as practice in asking and not-answering questions “The Un-Answering” the questions we ask ourselves to fill out our multitudes of character bibles questions breed, spawn in fractal form don’t go to bed tonight expecting to answer your questions tomorrow morning a podcast in all question form conversation starts with “how are you?” ends with the conclusive “have a nice day” at what point do we bridge question and answer? at what point do we believe there is an answer? are all questions a form of faith (that there will be an answer) and how much faith does it take to get to one? i used to think endless questions, harassing interrogations of the soul, would eventually yield endless answers why is a story a question? why isn’t narrative ever as conclusive as we’d like for it to be? ask the tarot deck “what would it look like if I did X?” and it gives you an abstract questions are tools for furthering your understanding moreso than your knowledge lies are not the exact opposites of truths just like answers aren’t the exact opposites of questions questioning is, by nature, repetitious Qs build upon themselves in permutations which include the info granted in the previous answer video loop: the headlights of cars passing through windows Notes 8/16-8/21 Hangover OK; withdrawal not Although/All thigh I think the “bag song” from American Beauty is playing in this faux-French diner. Everything can be faux anything. Their coffee is extra garbage today. “This coffee tastes burnt” “Isn’t that what you wanted?” “Yes, I think so.” Notes 8/22-8/24 Web series in which I summarize The Cosby Show in 30 seconds (stoned; wintertime) Gary Eddy took too much weednut budder. “I think it transitioned from a wolf into a snake. The real world’s not gonna resonate with snakes.” Trash is humanity’s synthetic weeds. We’re putting cobbler in mugs and coffee in bowls is this how the revolution starts? Eat breakfast til it’s time for dinner. Dandelion, sugarbeet, chicory, barley Featherbone Communiversity To be an artist is a choice, too. There are consequences and responsibilities involved which I have yet to comprehend. Anxious to get home. This weekend was strange and beautiful. It held a warped mirror up to myself. Notes 8/26 Water bottle took its top off // killed my computer fuzzy hormone brainz Was tender with D for the first time last night. I told him “I feel tender toward you tonight.” He asked “Is that unusual?” I didn’t know what to say. I never do after haphazardly premiering a poetic moment, expecting to cut immediately to a commercial break. “My tears have been my meat night & day” BOOK OF COMMON PRAYER Notes 8/30-8/31 Keith Johnstone “Impro” Dad has figured out the word “yo” I am interested in art because I am interested in the creation of new worlds that are small enough to fit in the pockets of our lives. Margeaux Williamson’s paintings’ titles create a narrative which is not quite linear and not quite not. Assembled together they’d create somewhat of a poem. Notes 9/5-9/7 “Palm of the Hand Stories” Kawabata Improv: -Call & Response • initiate the other • disagree with the other • answer the other -Quiet as possible (“quiet competition”) -Fast & Loose • go as fast and hard as possible, briefly, then attempt to find a stopping point together Lipsticked ends of cigarettes Egyptian priestesses ate figs with their cunts The thickness of space “Marginalia” is an academic term for exactly what it sounds like. This pen is bleeding. This pen is bloody “The goal of art is not simple pleasure, rather it partakes of the nature of happiness.” Le Corbu & Ozenfant Notes 9/8-9/10 Cleanliness says to godliness, “Dude, scoot over.” “Uses of Improvisation: • as a source for original material” • as training in perception • to develop a piece • as a performance mode in itself” “I let the object settle in my mind as an object and allow images to well up around it. It is in this last mode of seeing that all this work is located” “Ordinary objects are at our disposal/change roles/perform for an object” “People act upon their world and are acted upon by it, a constant dialogue” “Let objects draw attention to themselves” “What prevents us from becoming esoteric--a private language--is an opening of attention to the world in which it takes place; the interlocking realms of personal and public experience.” “5 obstacles to direct experience: • The Approval/Disapproval Syndrome • what we verbalize as our own are the controls that tie and bind, keeping us earthbound and the victim • Self Pity • an important ally to the approval/disapproval syndrome...expose it for the debilitating emotion that it is • Success/ Failure • transcend opposites. Look, listen, review. Observe what is at hand: a problem--which can be solved, or must be lived with or discarded. • Attitudes • consider a cat, who is washing herself when a collar is put on her. Having no attitude about this obstacle, the cat can continue to work in the same rhythm. • Fear • Name the cause. Know it as fear, which you must overcome, through direct experience.” “Observe an emotion and name it. Recognize it...score it. For example, if you’re feeling anxiety, tally it: ANXIETY III Any day you wish, observe just one particular feeling, emotion, type of behavior, habit you indulge in...observe when you behave this way, not why. Patterns answer more questions than questions do.” BODY SPACE IMAGE Eleanor Antin “Being Antinova”--life performance as “the black ballerina” A dinner table made out of chalkboard, with place setting and food drawn on. Improv as inseparable from performance (practice becomes performance) Even my horoscope website refuses to tell me what my tomorrow’s going to look like. Martha Graham started to dance at age 22 People sleep at nighttime to avoid its loneliness as much as its darkness. Notes 9/11 “The Story of O” Anne Desclos “You put yourself in places to be prodded and considered, watched and frowned at, like a piece of fruit; trying to glow and smell sweeter than the other fruits. Forget all the grubby picking hands, stay in one place and think on what you wish, and let the wishes gather around you...& if nothing comes yet, sit with the crumbs & the rats & the sunlight that has come to you willingly...” ASK BABA YAGA “The bracelets of my thighs could link together only a tiny part of the human chain” “I am here, with you, but if I talk about it, I pull aside the sheet, I open up a breach in the wall, and I let in the entire army of lovers that surrounds us” “Because at the time I hadn’t learned to correct my scrupulous instincts, but also because of my writerly unwillingness to repeat myself.” “I very often wept after those speedy sessions. They combined a painfully violent pleasure with that sensuous delight of being alone, here slightly heightened by a touch of bitterness” MILLET My one requirement for my lovers is that they must surprise me. Arouse me from my slumber Slapped my pussy so hard I made D jump. I can tell my neighbors are watching a war movie from the lightning epilepsy strobings of light thrown out the windows. Notes 9/17-9/21 “There is a sympathy between the parts of the universe, between things celestial and things terrestrial.” MACNEICE I like living at the Big House. It feels full of potential, the way the beginning of a vacation does. Pens are items to be acquired, not bought. Burn bridges to get lonely The woman perfumed by shampoo dances to rhythmless music Vegetarian Sagittarius Le sang d’un poet COCTEAU (1930) “Intuitive, personal, & domestic--attributes that traditionally have been deemed emphatically feminine” “Facts can tyrannize the imagination” “Whence the moral: Give each man his work, but do not look too closely into the meaning of it. The soldier has his work, and I have mine. We did not choose it, it chose us. And all we can do is do it well.” ANTIN Podcast idea: “Ladies Lunching” Chat w/ women of interest & intellect while doing traditionally girly activities. Email as an art gallery Interview my aunts; call grandma soon Wandering womb “To tell a story and have it and the teller recognized and respected is still one of the best methods we have of overcoming trauma” SOLNIT “Trauma & Recovery” Judith Herman “The 16 drawings Amedeo Modigliani to his lover Anna Akhmatova were ‘smoked’ by the Red Guards, who used them as cigarette paper” HARPERS performance from a swing Notes 9/22-10/7 “Since a lifestyle is the ability to recognize in the morning the same person who went to bed at night, it can be said to be a person’s most important decision.” “All my life I’ve been a spy, but not by gossiping; voyeurism is a private, secret, somewhat embarrassing activity.” “Q: For you, is there something that exalts or redeems humankind? A: For me personally it was making art. And to me that means inventing, making meaning happen where there wasn’t any before. It has made my life worth living.” ANTIN Antin’s head is full of ghosts, mine is full of the unborn Interview people from my roof deck “Cancer 8°: Rabbits in faultless human attire parade with dignity” Aquarius--”The only completely human sign in the zodiac”; rules the circulation of the blood Marie Antoinette had her period the day she died. “desperate people do bad things” Tower of David in Caracas, Venezuela--skyscraper slum http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2014/07/23/334613896/fall-of-the-tower-of-david-squatters-leave-venezuelas-vertical-slum http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/01/28/slumlord Stacy Dash’s thighs Martyrdom is a potent form of self-interest A Hindu Goddess was “a virgin named Fishy Smell, whose real name was Truth” “Priapic statues (stone dildos) broke hymen of brides before their wedding night” Biblical terminology-- “opening the matrix” Firstborn children were thus regarded as fathered by the god whose penis the statue represents. The phallus was 1st anointed with holy oil. Oil was necessary for penetrating the virgin. Later, King’s heads were anointed with oil, being likened to the head of a god-penis (and inserted after into a flower-wreath representing the virgin matrix)” http://www.amazon.com/Womans-Dictionary-Symbols-Sacred-Objects/dp/0062509233 Make of me a lurid chain of charms gathered with your mouth --sext I can’t wait until they start publishing great historic couples’ texts to each other the way they publish letters Project: great couples throughout history text each other one day, a one woman show called “the soup archives” Notes 10/8-10/13 “Suddenly wise, I did not fight the Dream” EILEEN KAUFMAN Playlist: domestic abuse songs that sound like love; songs written/performed by men about female prostitutes “Don’t forget, however great your vision or your inspiration, you need the techniques of the craft and there’s nowhere, really, to get them because they are not passed on in school. They are passed on person to person, and back then the male naturally passed them on to the male. I think I was one of the first women to break through that in having deep conversations with Charles Olson and Frank O’Hara.” DI PRIMA poets: Anne Marie Albich, Anna Akhamatova, Mandelstam performance is decision on display “hungry ghosts no problem” DI PRIMA “Elise has moved to the Lower East Side, she and her cat. She suspected the cat of insanity” SKIR Little boys get practice in heroics and labor, little girls get practice in childrearing and marriage “Who will slap my backside When I am born again Who will close my eyes when In death They see” ELISE COWEN “My desire to slip away from stories, and the choices we make to secure our identity in everyday life has borne fruit again and again. To go on a pilgrimage, I discovered, you do not need to know what you are looking for, only that you are looking for something, and need urgently to find it. It is the urgency that does does the work, a readiness to receive that finds the answers.” JANINE POMMY VEGA Notes 10/16-24 “Zazen”- nothing to gain, nothing to prove “Joanne Kyger’s poetry is exemplary of Buddhist consciousness in Beat writing, of a sensibility for which wisdom is the greatest beauty.” Lenore Kandel; holy erotica research “Alexander technique” Technology autocorrects “grace” to “grave” on a regular basis. Spooky. Echo “soul/sould” in “How Should a Person Be?” Nothing is sacred // Nothing is profane “It’s hard to be good when you’re lost” Heti “Show respect in all aspects of your being, even the tiniest. Show respect for the place you are entering-which is always the future.” Notes 10/27- 11/3 Slow motion video of me picking at my face, projected onto a mirror. Private ritual. A way to halt the insistence of thought. D said of P that she was working out an obsession she couldn’t name. “Men eat more sandwiches than women” NPR Record conversations (secretly) between men I know. I am reconciling my need for change/instability. I am going to think of everything in 6 month installments, like I’m renting my life. Better enjoy it and take care of it because in 6 months I’ll have to give it back and I want the deposit returned. A year-long poem in which I add one word each day Ken Burns style documentary on a fuck buddy relationship Make: tarot cards, children’s book “Portrait of the Artist as a Young Woman with Acne” self-portrait (painting or photoshopped selfie?) Insert femininity into canonical work: “Moby Cunt”, “Infinite Breast” “Baudelaire coined the term ‘modernity’ to define his belief that the modern artist’s responsibility was to make work that joined together the fleeting, impermanent experience of life in an urban environment with that of the eternal” HYPERALLERGIC Notes 11/5-11/10 “After all, the only real role for a woman within their movement was that of a muse to be worshipped either as a Sphinx, a seer, a seductress, or an enchanted wild child. Never was there the question of one being the creative or intellectual equal of men.” w/r/t Louise Bourgeois “A berry is just a thing that leaks” Clark (age 3), in my dream choreography “the grammar of feet” Wooster Group “To You, the Birdie! (Phedre)” http://thewoostergroup.org/twg/twg.php?to-you-the-birdie The mask unburdens 1. psychologically embodying a character 2. psychologically embodying oneself And when you speak to me of former lovers you had better use their names Notes 11/13- 11/16 The flies mock the caterpillar for being hoity-toity “Akeelops was grumpy that she looked like the moon. She prayed she wouldn’t, then clapped her hand.” Roxie (age 3) “That thirst to be loved which is the real curse of Eve” RHYS “I should like to laugh at her, but I am a well-behaved little girl...well-behaved...I long to be like Other People! The extraordinary, ungetatable, oddly cruel Other People, with their way of wantonly hurting and then accusing you of being thin-skinned, sulking, vindictive, or ridiculous. All because a hurt and puzzled little girl retired into her shell.” RHYS “You cannot buy special clothes to starve in” RHYS “Like most women, I’ve been socialized to be a performer my entire life: grace, poise, manners, hair, make-up, tits (yes, you can perform "tits")—it’s exhausting. Performance of any identity out of necessity, rather than desire, always becomes exhausting.” PITCHFORK http://pitchfork.com/thepitch/546-mish-way/ Notes 11/16-11/21 Compulsive behavior--performing an act persistently and repetitively without it necessarily leading to an actual reward or pleasure. Compulsive behaviors could be an attempt to make obsessions go away. Compulsive behaviors are a need to reduce apprehension caused by internal feelings a person wants to abstain or control. The main idea of compulsive behavior is that the likely excessive activity is not connected to the purpose it appears to be directed to. -earlobe tugging/holding -walking in patterns -rubbing bellybutton, sucking thumb -twirling hair “The Poet meditated on all the sensible people in the world, on all the lumps of beef waiting to be eaten, on all the children waiting to have their noses blown--on the Ugliness of Virtue and the Sad Reaction after Vice. On mornings. On getting up.” RHYS “Cut myself open and count the rings” “Decide what your currency is early” POEHLER Be as difficult as needed as often as needed. The novel I’m writing in my head gets in the way of real life interactions. My friends refuse to stay in character. My colleagues fudge their lines. How rosemary cuts my tongue Notes 11/23 Documenting compulsions: “higher and tighter” ponytail, cutting hair in front of TV as if brushing it “creating the road” by pressing pinky toe against car door or floor visually creating pathways with light down driveways, divots, and open spaces biting fingernails needles just under the surface of the skin self-induced seizures: focused on action figure fights to the point of seizing, feeling became associated with “awesome” imaginative play. Disassociative state where he imagined himself as the figure he focused on. “Can’t, must, and I’ve got to are words often associated with compulsions” Notes 11/25-12/4 “Bedtime is when space comes” EDNA (age 3) Vulvacious Russian Nesting Dolls of Menstruation Lady Lips God as a grandmotherly figure Finding god in/despite the mundane (make dailiness digestible) “L’asphyxie” -- in the prison of her skin Myometrium-- “Thick, muscular layer of the wall of the uterus, consisting largely of bundles of smooth muscle fibers arranged in longitudinal, circular, and spiral patterns, and interlaced with connective tissue. Layers of visceral muscle tissue make up the myometrium and give the uterus its ability to stretch and contract during pregnancy and delivery” Notes 12/6-12/8 “And in this isolation, our creativity took on an aspect of compulsion” “My ‘I thinks’ were gossamer sutures in the gaping rift between signifier and signified” BECHDEL St. Vitus’ Dance: symptom, facial tics Sex might be the only time I talk to god direct. “Oh, god!”. Even encourage god. “Oh god, yes!” Roman a clef--”novel with a key”--novel about real life overlaid with a facade of fiction “Your flesh remains water” OIDA Notes 12/18-12/24 “Inside of work is the promise of transformation” BABA YAGA “When your body is well linked to your interior being, the smallest physical changes evoke distinct inner sensations...once you have found all the essential shapes, you can link them to form a kind of ‘map’ of the emotional journey. Then you simply follow the physical ‘map’ each time you perform” Tai--moon--signified; fundamental structure Yu--moonlight--signifier; phenomenon OIDA Notes 12/25 “...what a time we had flaunting our youth amidst the elderly rich who vacationed there regularly. Would we be so tired and lethargic as many of them seemed when [we] reached their stage in life?” MOM w/r/t honeymoon on Jekyll Island “Reads stories from any book, making it up as she skims a dictionary or adult book. Makes up songs--Pete says ‘I can tell when you’re making up a song because you always use the same voice’ to which Grace replies ‘Well, I only have one voice’.” 1st words: bye, hot Sentence: 18 mo. “I want out” 19 mo. “What’s he doing?” “Age 2+ falls off barstool with surprising regularity--usually in mid-sentence (she is always in mid-sentence)” “Very friendly and very very busy. Loves animals-rides Stan and Emma, trots and lopes with ease” at 4&1/2 “Gets phone calls from friends in Kindergarten” Barbies and dance 3-4 years old |